You were a tall Latin with an eyebrow ring. We exchanged names, yours was David.
You used your witchcraft on me with that one-fingered, “come hither” gesture across the bar at Steam. It worked.
You talked me into going to get some pizza.
I was “fucked-to-the-UP” on all those free drinks.
Yeah, you came back to my place. We didn’t do anything; no oral, no romping or stomping.. not even a “handy-J.”
(Tragic foreshadowing.)
Fast forward to what… 3am? when you had to get up to pee.
And you asked me… “what’s all that- blood doing on your bed?”
Seeing your beautiful body standing there- you made my heart stop.. 
No, literally, I freaked out. I immediately felt all the bumps and crevasses and cracks of my body and found nothing.
I hope your knee is okay, you gushed out all kinds of blood on my Target Jersey Sheets that I got for $19.99 + tax.
And who doesn’t feel a sharp pain in their knee or blood gushing out, anyway?
Sorry I didn’t have any band-aids to offer.
OH, thanks for taking me to get my car this morning!
I told you to wait for me to follow me over to the Village Inn.
Imagine the look on my face when I finally had my “missed connection” when your ass DROVE OFF?
It was priceless, let me assure you. I’ve never been ditched before.
After the walk of shame, the pizza, the bloody sheets that I had to throw away, I never even got your number!
Silly me.
If you see this, tell me, what was my name? What were my dreams or goals? Or, at least describe what my naked ass looked like?

Praying that I don’t “got da AIDS,”
-J

so i get up, and i get my monthly text message balance from my credit card company. i notice it hasn't changed.

"that's funny, i was supposed to be ding'd like 7 Ben's for my car insurance."
so i try to pull up my auto policy online and see:
"the policy you are trying to review is no longer active.
please call blah blah"
yes folks, i, being a claims adjuster, shit a brick.
i try to call my insurance company and they're closed til eight AM.
never mind the 6 other days that i drove without insurance, TODAY my insurance was a hope and a prayer that i didn't get into an accident, with Jesus as my Co-Pilot.
so i call and turns out I DO have an active policy, just under my old policy number.
i know, weird, right?

so i work all day, settle a BI claim at $2300 and then i get a call from a lien holder.
"where's my payment?"
i thought, "bitch i paid you. oh wait, a lien holder? oh snap, i paid the insured."
i could already see the double payment that i would have to make to correct it.
i call the crazy lady that tricked me into paying her and found that she already spent it on her "utilities."
::rolls eyes::
but she didn't have a problem paying me back.
i was like, "good. i hope you're surprised when our lawyers contact you about that 1K check you knew you shouldn't have cashed."

so then i go to the grocery store after work to get some food.
and people, i swear, i need to go into business manufacturing and producing microwavable dinners for bachelors.
because I'M TIRED of getting the fucking chicken alfredo dinner and only having two little skinny pieces of worthless chicken in it.
if you were eating a "Hearty La May" or a "La May-Man Super Duty Dinner Pack" you'd have all the processed meat your little heart would desire.
(and you wouldn't get the shits afterwards.)

anyway, i'm in the parking lot, and this stupid old fat lady driving a jalopy was just blocking traffic.
just sitting there! and i'm laughing because i have a enough room to get thru but the lady stuck behind her is stuck.

and SHE'S just sitting there, oblivious to the fact that the lady in front of her is just sitting there.
just sitting there!
so i squeeze by and third car, in the wrong lane, is dropping off someone outside the front of the Sweet Bay.
i should mention that this is the ghetto one on MLK and Nebreska.

so i do my turn and cut her off, as i rightfully am able to do so, since she is giving up her right-of-way by dropping off a retard in front of the store in on-coming traffic.
but she starts to turn.
and i mouth to her "stop. you better stop." and i continue my turn.
and park. only she's following me and the only parking spot is next to a car that is parked cock-eyed in its place.
"great. i have to get out of this crazy bitch's way and re-park once i park."
so i pull in and she parks beside me.

AWKwaaaaard!
i reverse and get ready to re-park, while I'M blocking traffic..
and out steps BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE 2 (from a 1998 toyota corolla) with two thug money-wanna-be-rappers that could Definitely.. kick my ass.

and they stretch.. and they scratch they nutz and they take off they hat and they stretch and then they notice li'l old me waiting for them to move their asses so i could park.
they look at me like i'm stupid.

i lose it.
"i'm trying to get right there, where you're standing!" i yell out my window.
they look at me like i'm stupid again, but they move.
::rolls eyes.

::
i mean, i would make a network a LOT of money if i had my life video taped.

so i have this friend named Ron.
he liked this guy that had NO MUTUAL INTEREST in Ron.
(we'll call him Peter Griffin.)
so Ron did his thing; went about his life.
and then Ron got a message from a guy named... Orion. (after the constellation.)
Orion is interested in Ron.
and Ron found out that Orion and Peter Griffin are roommates.
isn't it taboo to talk to Orion when Ron was originally interested in Peter Griffin?
and the kicker is Peter Griffin doesn't care that Ron is even alive.
what do you do?

so i know about 90% of my friends have met my mom.
i think it's so cool that she can go to the gay club with her son on a Friday night.
but the BEST thing about my mom.. is when she's standing in the line at Honey Pot and she suddenly cocks her head to the side and sings, "no one, no one, nooo oooooOOoooone."
and i look at her and realize that she's referring to this video:

forget about "a family that prays together, stays together."
it's a family that can talk shit about others can stay together.
AND after that, i knew in my heart that my mother and i scored our own front row tickets in HELL.
:-)

i love my momma!

Dear MLC,

 I give up.

Sincerely,
JLL

P.S., I was going to use "Love," as a closing but thought "Sincerely" was more fitting.

so i'm texting people this morning..
(you know how i do..)
and watching weird ass movies..
when i got a comment from Okie.
it got me to having the club flashbacks.
and THEN, then.. i stumbled upon my camera.


yes, ma'am, pam.
i said my camera.


and i found TWO (2) little gem's i'd like to share with you:
 

and

and you don't know this.. but jon la may ALWAYS kisses with his EYES OPEN.

to kiss someone with his EYES CLOSED is showing...
a lot of trust.

i do believe Victoria has now entered the Inner Circle.


ps, what were we doing?
 

i'm thinking about writing a blog about how much MY MOMMA is a drama queen. a big SORRY to my cousin, okie and whomever else she texted and tried to drag into the text fight.

i'm okay with her "disowning me" from 8:37am this morning to the end of my life. what makes me feel better? answer: knowing that she's sitting in her tub at her house and cannot get out of it. and NO, i'm NOT going to drive all the way there to see her half naked ass and try to lift her up.

that's what SISTERS are for.
hahahaha !
 

(turns on the olympics)
on with the survey:

Do you wake up cranky?
-only on Mondays

Would you curse in front of your parents?:
- in front of them.. AT them... yes.

What is your current annoyance?:
- my left shoulder hurts. i need a massage.
maybe nicole with give me one on saturday?

Do you like drama?
- no. and i steer clear of it.

What kind of camera do you have?
- casio elixim 7.
2 megapixels, thanksforasking

Last time you were on a boat and where?:
- never been on a boat.. only a float.
does a float count?

Do you take daily vitamins or medications?:
- i forget to take my Centrum

Where is your computer located?
- in my room.

What was the last item you bought?:
- a cooler and sports bottles, groceries and a batman costume.
uh huh

What country has the best food?:
- USA?

Last time you used a coupon?:
- um?

Are you afraid of roller coasters?
- no sir. well, there's this one at Busch Gardens.. i think it's called the Qwasi? or something.. that's all made of ricketity wood. it looks like if you dropped a cigarette it will go up in flames.. and there's no shocks, no smoothness.. it's a ROUGH ride, but not scary.

If your best friend told you they were moving, you?:
- say, 'how long THIS time?' :-)

Would you rather go to a party or out of town?:
- party

Apple Bottom Jeans or Hollister gift card?:
- lol.
the gift card

Do you think you're dumb?:
- i went to collidge.

Say a random word?
- snowglobe

Do you wear anything with skulls?:
- my tattoo!

What is/was your school mascot?:
- middleschool was a wildcat and HS was the RED DEVILS!

At what age do you want to be married?:
- i'm not really raking in any proposals..

Is divorce an option?:
- divorce and chopping off penises. yep. depends on the reason.

What color is your luggage?:
- black

Where and when did you last go on vacation?:
- Key West and like 2 years ago?

Where is your mom right now?:
- hahahahaha she's stuck in her bathtub in Lakeland, FL.

i think someone should go help her up.

What are you supposed to be doing right now?:
- nothing. as soon as i'm done with this survey i'm going to do the ab crunch of doom and stalk YOUR myspace.

One wish?
- new mattress.

Are you slowly drifting away from someone close?
- i'm close with everyone!

When was the last time you felt unbearably guilty?
- guilty.. guilty... hmmmm.. i'm just never CAUGHT.

How is life going for you right now?
- i guess it can be classified as 'one of God's curveballs' but i'll eventually hit out of the park.. but keep missing but never giving UP.

When was the last time you held someone’s hand?
- melissas! at the club on last saturday!

Who can you tell everything too?
- billy, jessica.

Who was the last person you talked to on AIM?
- jared

Last words you spoke?
- 'are you sick, pumpkin?' (to matt)

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a C?
- hahaha JACKIE knows this one guys name.. that starts with C.

How do you feel about gay marriage?
- we deserve to equally as miserable as married people!

What is the next concert you're going to?
- i wish it was Cake

Can you play guitar hero?
- no no no

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
- warm. i'm rather have a sweat than not being able to feel my nose.

Is any part of your body sore?
- shoulder!

Who was your last text from?
- my mom.
she sent me a picture of her feet and all the bubbles on them CUZ SHE'S STILL STUCK IN THE TUB!
you think i'm lying?

What is your ideal place?
- i like parks.. swinging.. no no, the beach.
:-)

ps, i'm a great son.


 

She was on MADtv as Bon Qui Qui at King Burger... check it:

i was running late so i didn't post this, but.. here goes.


i was my normal, 2008 self.. but the dream was as if i was back at my old high school.
only, everything was mirrored-backwards. like, everything that should have been on the left side of the school was on the right side of the school, and vice-versa.

so i'm like a 25 year old with all these teeny-boppers.. and i believe it was the first day of say... 12th grade, all over again. and i think i had 4 periods.
in each period the teacher would assign me some task to do.

the last class i actually had a written test the first day. and the task for that teacher was to administer the test, do it myself, then collect the tests. but she separated the class into two different classrooms; hers on the left side of a long hall, mine on the right, where the windows looked out over the parking lot.


so i'm trying to make sure there's no cheaters when i look out the window and see all kinds of COP cars. i'm like, 'what's going on?'

i can't locate the teacher and no one would tell me what is going on.
i collect all the tests then go outside.  the COPS are all gone, but the local newspapers had already printed the story.

(i know, crazy, right?)
but get this, what i read that happened:
'16 year old kid pushes garlic stick up 47 year old teachers nose; brain damage.'
what kind of crazy shit is that?

because i call someone that i'm (location-wise) near to invite to breakfast?
and i see this person cruising online so i know he's up and "at 'em."
and i get sent to a voicemail that so full that i cannot even leave a message.
whatever.

and a person that would rather stay at home and jerk off than get a free meal from me is a loser.
a fucking loser.
i'm so not kidding. i mean, i think that beats "washing my hair."
"no jon, i can't go to Sonny's with you because i'm still jerking off and i'm not hungry."

and while at Walgreens tonight, i'm behind this hot straight guy.. paying for 4 packs of gum.
only four packs of gum at 9:20PM, brand: eclipse- with all dimes.
the lady counted out like 6 dollars in dimes.
that's sixty dimes.
that was 3 minutes and 54 seconds of my life that i cannot get back.

as he was leaving i told her i was going to pay with my sock of pennies.
i thought i was trying to be funny.

i've finally realized my purpose in life:
to see how much bullshit i can stand and NOT be an asshole.
i mean, it CAN be done. i could have just paid for my Tylenol Cool Blast Cough Syrup, Haagen-Dazs, and Blueberry White Tea with antioxidants and not said a word about the LOSER that had to pay all in dimes.

and i could just accept that not all people are on the same hunger cycle as i am.

tomorrow.. Monday.. i'm going to enjoy the "red tape." and the "hoops that you have to jump thru." and the "company policy."

and i'm going to invite that cute boy to lunch.

at least not by yourself.

Tweeker prostitute to my right, telling someone else's kids to "quit blowing that whistle."
(Almost a domestic dispute.)
Overweight waitresses singing that "they heard it thru the grapevine."
And to my left? Well that would be, perhaps, the STANKEST trucker? I have ever smelled three seats away.

Oh, happy Sunday!

so i've been thinking about taking up a part-time job.

things that are stopping me:

1. i hate working the 40+ hours NOW, let alone working more.
2. i'd lose any social life i may have.
3. i wouldn't have enough time to date a bitch.
4. i love not having to work on the weekends.

then i started to dissect the above reasons.. and realized i SHOULD get a part-time job. if i waaaaant that new laptop, i need more money. if i just waaaaant to pick up and visit sexy Cheri in Los Angeles, i need more money.  if i waaaaaant that new mattress, i need more money.

and the whole dating thing.
EVERY TIME i think going on a fucking date with a guy is going somewhere.. it doesn't. i mean, I'M TRICKED EVERY TIME! omg. so why hold myself back for something that's never going to happen?
::dry, sarcastic laugh::

i say this after i see...  my "dry cleaner" cleaning someone else's socks at the club last night.  and after i see my "dog walker" walking someone else's dog last night. and i'm not bitter or disappointed by being single by any means... it's a way to get me off of my ass and as Sparkle Johnson would say, "make that paper."

so this blog is for you, Tampa: anyone know of any places that are hiring part-time that isn't a downer to work at?

drunk dialing.

i awoke normally (to the sound of a fire truck or siren) and started my lazy Sunday as planned.

the plan:
check myspace, watch tv, wait until hunger drives me from my soft pillow to a fast food joint, then a pool party then come home and watch some more tv and then worry about going in to work tomorrow then passing out.
-the perfect sunday?

but as i checked my email, someone gave me their phone number. this brought back a flash of last night.

"what day is it?"  "omg Sunday." (in a CSI: Tampa manner:) "what did i do last night?"
::feels my body:: (no foreign bodies or mysterious pains found)  "what time is it?"   "where's my phone?"   "oh no, i called people."  "who did i call?"

now my friends, i've become so skilled at drunk dialing i have found a way to remove SOME of the guilt of a drunk dial.

can you believe my black ass ERASED MY CALL HISTORY? why did i do it? as i was scrubbing my booty in the shower, i thought of some justifying answers: "so i don't have any proof on my end it happened?" hahahahaa

so this forced me to have to THINK of my last conversations. and i'm sure there's a couple i'm missing, but i can only remember three. but i have the names and times mixed up due to the call log being "lost."

so i apologize to the person that i tried to sell our microwave to. if i told you i was throwing in a free bag of popcorn on pick up, it's not true. nor does the microwave even belong to me.

sorry to the person i said "penis" and "butt" and "mouth" to. i'm sure at the time i thought the combination of the above nouns with some colorful verbs was clever but i'm not sure WHO exactly it was said to or if it was truly appropriate. my only excuse for this one is...................
i cannot control the gay shit that comes out of my faggotiy mouth when i'm drunk and horny.

:-O

and sorry to the person i ranted to about the gas prices. or rather, the rant about PEOPLE who are enraged by the rising cost of gas prices. you had a patient ear or a lengthy voicemail, to the best of my knowledge.

and to those less fortunate i left off the list, i'm sorry. but as you can guess, i haven't a clue who i called to give an official apology to. though i'd like to promise it will never happen again, c'mon, this is JON L@ M@Y you're dealing with.

also, if you WANT a drunk dial, let me know!

or it may be "Monday, next."

i dunno.. but i have never heard this phrase before!

today........................................6-18-08
next Monday..........................6-23-08
the following Monday..........6-30-08

conversation:

me: when did you make your appointment at the body shop?
her: Monday next.
me: so the 6-23?
her: no, Monday next.
me: -sighs-
me: do you mean like "two days ago" Monday?
her: oh my goodness you're a youngin, Monday, next!
me: do you mean the "Monday after next Monday?"
her: yes! like how many times do i have to say it?

-which, by this time, i could see.. "Monday after next" would be a better term than "Monday next."

fucking people in South Carolina can kiss my black ass!

sometimes i don't sleep very well. i partially blame my roomies for getting up at the ASS CRACK OF DAWN to go to the gym or the dogs barking. sometimes i hear a hooptie go by, blasting some "music" or a cop siren. this morning my eyes opened at 5:15 AM.

"go back to sleep, jon. jesus."

but i couldn't. somehow, i found myself on........ www.craigslist.com.
yeah, i'll admit it. i was looking at the personals on there.

but did you know they have a section called, "missed connections?"
David was telling me about something that made him go on Craig's List the other day.. and i had already checked my MySpace, wished everyone a happy birthday, checked my email, checked my A4A, so i thought, "let me check out this craigslist thing."

some of the headings made me crack up. allow me to share a few:

Jun 9 - Taco Bell Drive Thru - Sunday night - m4m - 38 - (Oldsmar)
Jun 7 - Friday Home Depot - m4m - 57 - (NPR)
Jun 4 - running on bay to bay 7:10pm - m4m - 29 - (bay to bay/dale mabry)
Jun 4 - Alley behind 19th St N at 11th Ave, Monday - m4m - 49 - (St Pete)
Jun 2 - Rush hour - m4m - 30 - (Tampa)  (MY FAVORITE)
Jun 2 - Saw you when you were waiting for your Allergy shots on 5/29... - m4m - 36 - (Tampa)
Jun 1 - Cracker Barrell, Sunday 6/1 around 10pm M4M - 27 - (Bearss and BBD)
Jun 1 - "GO" art event at The RITZ - m4m - 45 - (Tampa)
May 28 - Botox at Dr. Kalin Office - m4m - 33 - (Hyde Park)

so i honestly want to know...
before tonight, do any of you honestly check the personals or the "missed connections" on Craig's List? did you know it even existed? do you think it would actually bring together a connection that was missed? personally, i doubt it. but feel free to let me know.

what my fucked up mind was thinking about... was... would it be could if Tampa had its own, "Craig's List Killer?"  headlines, "another faggot dies after posting on craigslist.com."

but i guess i could see the excitement of someone admiring you. i've heard of people holding these parties.. where they give you a number to wear. then a box at the front of the door. and part of the night is spent scoping out the crowd and leaving "notes" in individual's boxes.. but the other half of the night is hunting down the people wearing the numbers that left you a message to see if you lusted after that person, too.  ::shrugs::

i just tell a person straight up, "hey, you're a hottie. oh you're not into me? oh well! peace, man."
i take chances.

.::smiles::

when i woke up.. i was in a "i will destroy you, let me dance my solo in my car and don't cut me off or i will pull this car OVER and fuck you up" mood. and you know.. i just make the best of what i'm given. but i decided, today was goofy day.

i miss the old people i used to sit around. the new ones are LOUD. and I CAN'T HEAR my own conversations. (with the lady behind me saying, "sir, i can see the street on the satellite right now, you didn't look to the left before you pulled out!)
-cracked me up.-

this Monday started the ::dum da dum:: "new combo team."
what that means is, they take PD (property damage adjusters, me) and mix them with BI (bodily injury) adjusters. they let the PD adjusters handle SOME bodily injury, and what-have-you.

i didn't think i was going to like it.

because i have to know the liability laws and the guidelines for total losses for KY, VA, and SC. today, i settled my first bodily injury claim.
goooooooooo me. it was okay. eh

this went along with emails from everyone saying, "yeah jon!"
it was a little recognition. eh. :-) so i guess it wasn't so bad.
i decided that this weekend i'm going out, drinking-a-mucho and getting "fucked to the up."

does everyone know my cousin, Jessica? she's JUST LIKE ME.. only blond and with boobs. she and i talk ALL THE TIME now. a year ago, i would have told you i forgot everything about her. she just helps me realize how crazy and exciting everyone in my family is.. and i'm glad that i have been spending so much time with everyone.

when i first moved to Tampa, i'd visit my mom like once a month.
i'd NEVER see my sister and only really came around on holidays to get some turkey-turkey. now, i JUMP at EVERY invitation.. and every party and every get-together. because... in the end, all you really have is family.

i mean, given the current.. William Drayton situation- friends fight. and friends are never the same after. in my family, yeah we fight, but we still love each other. i'm betting that's the same for MOST of you's out there, too. just saying...

thanks to the people that responded to my "poll" earlier today.

:-)
xoxo
see everyone out! ass-grabs for all!

when i get to know someone...
i do it, "detective style."

i had finished telling a guy what i did for a living. (claims adjuster.)
i asked him what he did.

"i also work in insurance.."

but that was too open-ended.
me, being as inquisitive as i am, had to make him expand on that.
why? because i could hear that second period trailing off as he said the words.

"do you work in the insurance industry or do you work in an insurance building?"

turns out he did maintenance in a building. and not even IT stuff.
i always know what correct question to ask.

i don't know what made me think of this story.

::gives the world "stank eye."::

The Dark Passenger, whom we socialize with, yet don't introduce. suddenly The Dark grabs You by your collar, stares You in the face. such power and such grace. You're lost in The Passenger's piercing eyes as transformation to the driver seat ensues. You succumb, without so much as a whimper.

The Dark Passenger is in control. and You?

You, once The Driver, connected to everything. the sad part of You connected to the sad things in the world. the happy part of You related to the happy things in the world. the humdrum and the lucky- in the same manner. You are able to mimic the passerbys. but not The Passenger. The Dark Passenger.

The Passenger doesn't get to experience the same emotions as other's around You. The Dark Passenger is kept in... ?  The Dark Passenger is a shame. The Dark Passenger is You.

as You drive, you realize The Dark Passenger is with You, everywhere at everytime of everyday. and at each moment, The Dark Passenger tries to yank the wheel from your grip. The Passenger tries to show off. The Passenger tries to win the dark race. the constant struggle for the driver's seat with The Passenger just gives The Dark a workout; a training session. until The Dark Passenger locks you in the trunk.

hey you guys!
this message goes to everyone that billy's dragging into our argument: SORRY.
you guys don't deserve it.

so sorry to:

Mom:
for billy calling you. i mean, if i was "in a tiff" with someone, i think the really "adult" thing to do is call the other guys mother. sorry, mom.

Okie:
you don't deserve billy blowing up on you over me.. "not answering MY phone?"

David:
because you don't even live here. and you don't even care. :-)

john lewis
yeah, sorry to you, too. PS, looking forward to.. you know :-)

and to clear things up...
i deleted billy off my friends list on 5-3-08.
i called him that night to try and talk about things but he wasn't having it.
HE called ME one time during the week of 5/5 to 5/9. HE left ME voicemail.
in that week's time, i left a photo that i felt bad about as a comment on two friends' pages:

i texted him that i was sorry i did it.
because i didn't want to fight and i was truly over and done with arguing.
and he ignored me.
::shrugs::
so yes, i took this picture:

and no, i don't feel bad for sending it on 5-10.
and the two other people in the picture didn't know i was going to send it to billy.
so Thursday morning i sent The Letter to him.
and he called me on Thursday afternoon.
and i didn't answer.

so where in there was i "harassing?"
if you (billy) want to use that as a way to get people on your side.. so be it.
i'm truly over it. :-)
i'm not going to cry over it...

I want to thank Nicole for inviting me to see this fantastic lady! I had so much fun watching
Lisa Lampanelli! I had the best time with you guys!

(Me, Jennie and Nicole!)

back to the classic jon blog:

i have 2 friends, one named "Willy" and the other, Ron. now Ron mentioned to Willy that he had been Chatty Kathy with this boy named "Dwayne."  moreover, Ron introduced Willy and Dwayne in a crowded street while much alcohol was consumed by all parties, probably trying to get Willy's approval of his new interest. Ron and Dwayne texted each other A LOT. Ron and Dwayne planned to meet on Ron's most sacred day (a Sunday) for "dinner and/or a movie."  that day came and Ron was surprised with what Dwayne had planned: hanging out at his house, going here, going there, driving to some city Ron couldn't find on a map, having a great, late-night time on a school night.  errr work night. ::rolls eyes::  Ron ended up canceling on Dwayne with hopes of trying to hang out again, soon. now Ron and Willy hang out ALL the time. and Ron was surprised that Willy had Dwayne's number and texted him, probably as much as Ron and Dwayne texted each other.  all the while, Willy is feeding lines to Ron that Dwayne really liked Ron and was 'a great guy' and a 'caring, sweet' something-or-other.

what also surprised Ron was that Willy and Dwayne were going to see, live in concert, Kanye West and Rihanna. Ron found this out.. like a week ago. Ron is unsure of who invited whom- nor does Ron care. Willy said it was an "open an invitation and since Dwayne was such a great guy, he should go to get to know him."  Ron hasn't been invited by Dwayne. Ron wasn't really "invited" by Willy. so in Ron's mind, this is more of a "Willy and Dwayne" thing.

now I (JON LA MAZING) have been asked what my thoughts were on the situation.
and i think that Willy sucks big, black donkey balls for hanging out with someone that Ron sorta liked. Willy has done this to Ron in the past with other guys. and Dwayne has some shady tendencies to hang out with Ron's best friend ON TOP OF not mentioning to Ron that Willy and he will be hanging out. I told Ron he was much happier without either of them. I also told Ron that he should hang out with Willy's friend, Don Louis.

what would you have said?

as you know, i routinely ride my bike from my house, 7.5 miles through downtown Tampa, to the end of Bayshore, then the 7.5 mile roundtrip back. if you didn’t know, now you do. but, today was different from yesterday.

i noticed there was a lot of little freshmen walking around downtown. probably a “take your momma to meet your school” day at UT? probably a homecoming or something at the convention center? the “craziness” started as i was heading back. i rode past a group of kids, minding my own business, listening to my shuffle, when the group of kids started clapping as i passed by. they startled me AND a girl that was walking in front of them. i gave her that, “fuck those little twirps” look and continued on my route.

i mean, i’m going through the business district, after business hours and there’s loads of kids walking! WTF? the next group has someone that was just dying to… “act out.” i pedal past the second group of kids and i suddenly hear stomping as if i was being chased. you guessed it! i was being chased.

but i stopped my bike this time and asked him if he needed anything? he recovered by saying that he “just felt like running.” i told him that “was a quick way to get an ass kicking” in front of his chaperone and again, continued on my route.

i take back roads to avoid any traffic. Morgan Street has a nice hill going TO downtown but a not-so-nice hill coming FROM downtown. so i’m pedaling past a big, white, work van that was dropping off a woman on the left side of me. there were no trailer parks around, so this woman obviously didn’t live at the empty lot that she was being dropped off in front off. i seemed to have stumbled upon a “prostitute drop-off point.” i take note of the van, think to myself that there should be some kind of anonymous hotline i could call to report the activity and continued on my route.

i looked to the right as i’m still pedaling up the hill and i see a funny sight. this hunched-over, elderly lady was trying to push her lark up a steep incline while a fat dog laid at her feet, waiting for her. i think, “that’s some funny shit.” (pedal pedal pedal! jon! that lady needs help. you gotta go back.) oh. so i turn around, but i’m met by The John that dropped off the prostitute. he also stops to help. the old lady greeted me with a smile as i asked permission to help her push the motorized wheelchair up the curb.

she and The John are speaking in Spanish. i wait for them to get done, all-the-while listening for words i knew to initiate the pushing. “empujalo.” i push the lark up the curb and stand behind it while she loads herself on. she and The John are still chatting in Spanish. i get a little annoyed because hey! I STOPPED TO HELP YOU FIRST!

was this John trying to redeem himself in the eyes of The Lord, Jesús Cristo, by stopping to help this little old lady? did he feel guilty that he had THREE witnesses to the Prostitute Drop Off on Morgan Street? (me, the old lady and the fat dog that lay at her feet.)

so still annoyed, i look for something to make me smile. my eyes are drawn to that fat, white dog fidgeting at her feet. it was as if he was SO FAT that he couldn’t support his OWN body weight. he had his back curled in what seemed like an uncomfortable position, laying on his side. he was waiting for all the commotion with his master to die down, waiting to be placed back into the lady’s lap, to be back on their way.

the lady scoops up the dog, loads herself onto the lark and continues talking to The John in Spanish. i mutter “de nada” and pick up my bike. she must have heard me. she turned as i was riding away and shouted “thank you.” i waved and continued on my route.

okay, scratch yesterday's blog.
one of the people they offered one of the positions to changed their mind. so i was first choice.
which doesn't make me feel like i got it by default.

i mean, yesterday they told me that i didn't have enough experience.
i worked, i came home. i got up, i went into work, i worked. i was grabbed on my lunch, and in less than 24 hours i magically had enough experience.

go........ me.

so i applied for this lateral position at work. (translation: no pay increase.)
i only did it because my manager specifically asked me to "show interest" in it.
i did it with the mindset that i wouldn't be upset if i didn't get it.
well, i didn't get it.

let me tell you what i would have gotten if i was given the position:
-more work.
-having to know more state liability laws.
-probably more claims
-potential to get a pay increase later.

i'm comfortable not getting it. but my manger is leaving our team to help create this new team. and i have a pretty good idea of who my new manager will be. but you know, it kinda sucks that i didn't get it. but i don't really have a reason to be sad, you know? holler!

while at the beach with 2 dear friends, i made a discovery.
it was about and inch and a half long, greyish/silverish/white in color..
and was growing out of my chest.

at first i thought that this grey hair was going to ruin my day and put me in my, "Dark Place."

but then the inner alcoholic came out and said that i must CELEBRATE this joyous occasion. so that's that i did.

check the pics in my album before they disappear!

Dear Jon L,

I have studied your behavior, I've taken a poll.. I've made pie charts and graphs.. and have completed a 25-year psychoanalysis as to why you're.. "unlucky." Are you sitting down? Because I'm about to reveal this information to you and hopefully, will put an end to any sadness or depression or any blows that your self-esteem takes when a boy you're interested in turns you down. Are you ready?

You're [pause] too [another pause] available.

Yes, I just typed that out. Yes, I put the pauses in there for dramatic effect. You give TOO much of your time. You're too quick to agree to hang out with people. You're too quick to make yourself available for someone.

In our conversation earlier today, you stated that you didn't want to "play games." You defined "playing games" as doing the "two-day" rule. (The example you gave was waiting two days after you hang out with a guy before talking to him again.) And if I remember correctly, you later stated that when you liked someone, you like to make that person feel like they're the only one in the world that mattered.. because that's what you'd like, yourself?

So my advice (if you so chose to accept it) is to make yourself NOT AS AVAILABLE. Don't be so quick to want to hang out with someone. Don't "drop everything you're doing" just to make time for some guy. Most people don't think like you; they don't think that they have to WORK at a relationship; it should come natural. And this whole "all or nothing" attitude isn't healthy- or attractive. Why you ask? To prove the old cliché true: they all want what they can't have.

Yes, you're not getting any younger. Yes, you're losing your hair. And yes, you shouldn't waste your time on someone that doesn't want to put in as much effort as you to have a long-lasting relationship. So snap out of it, crazy. It's not very becoming of you. And where did that "I'm going to do more things by myself," attitude go? Here is an excerpt from one of your blogs:

"are you looking for someone to hold you, worship you, whisper crazy sweetness' in your ear? or someone to love you like you're the only person in the world that matters? well that's me. all i'm interested in is your time and attention in return. but all that starts with baby steps.. wanna be friends with a habitual butt grabber?"

The only key word in that garbage above is "friends." They're the only ones that matter. Didn't you used to believe that your lover was supposed to be your best friend? Remember your answer you gave me?

"Why should I waste my time on someone that's not willing to give me what I want? I don't have any time for another FRIEND. I want someone to be MORE than a friend. I want TO GO ON dates. I want to get that feeling in my belly. I want to experience love."

Where I cannot offer you any advice there, I do encourage you to.. stay true to yourself? No. Because that would mean that you wouldn't play games; you wouldn't wait two days to tell a guy that you really enjoyed his company. No, do the exact opposite- play games. Be unavailable. Be unobtainable. Be unreachable. Be impenetrable. Be unachievable.

Because being a real mother fucker just isn't working for you. And while I'm on the subject, join a gym.
Play the game. What do you have to lose?

Sincerely,
Jon L.
 

so last night i had a weird dream.
i can’t remember the faces or anything except the following.

i was in a scavenger hunt against several other people. i felt an "urgency" to get everything on my list but i never actually saw anyone else in the dream as my competition. it was as if i was 100 yards ahead of everyone.

the list had about 20 items on it and EVERYTHING on mine was checked except the last item: "to catch, kill, cook and eat a rabbit."

how weird is that?
so in my dream, i’m running through well-lit woods, trying to find a rabbit. i imagined myself CATCHING a rabbit but could not.

half way into the dream i realize there’s nothing saying i couldn’t BUY a rabbit, kill it, cook it and eat it.. so i went to a pet store. i got a grey rabbit that later turned white. i held it up by its ears before the person i was to turn in all my items to. (i hid the box with the holes it came in earlier.)

the man was tall and "god-like" in the sense that he was so large that his face didn’t fit into my view. and i never looked this person in the eyes; perhaps because i felt guilty of cheating.

so i hold the rabbit up and say, "i’m done."
and the man before me says, "great. now kill it, cook it and eat it."

and i told him i couldn’t kill it!
i imagined myself cutting off its little head with shears.. but could not.
i could not kill the rabbit.

when my mind realized that i couldn’t do something, i soon woke up.

so next, i’m researching the key elements in the dream. i’m using dreammoods.com as a source.

i found that a "list" suggests that i am worried about a problem or situation in my waking life.

"chasing" something suggests that i am attempting to overcome a difficult goal or task. plus this may be aggressive fieelings towards others.

the rabbit "fortells of luck, and a favorable turn of events, and a positive outlook in my future [business] endeavors." a WHITE rabbit symbolizes faithfulness of a lover.
=interesting.

on "hunting:
To dream that you are hunting, denotes that you are seeking or pursuing to fulfill some inner desires, either emotional or physical. You may be in hunt for a solution or in pursuit of a sexual conquest.

To dream that you hunt and kill an animal, signifies that you are trying to repress or destroy an instinctive part of yourself."
=again, interesting.

"To dream that you are cutting something, signifies a broken relationship or severed connection."
=but this wasn’t achieved because i couldn’t cut the head of the bunny off.

the "faceless" person indicates that i’m still searching for my own identity and who i really am.

on "Scissors
To dream that you are using scissors, denotes decisiveness and control in your waking life. Alternatively, it may suggests that you need to get rid of something in your life. It also represents your ability to cut things or people out of your life."
=things are beginning to make sense.


so my interpretation?
i think it goes hand-in-hand with my last blog that i wrote about being by myself.
being troubled by relationships, taking time out to get to know who i am as a person..
it’s effing great.
what do you think?

My best friend recently moved out.
We’ve been there for each other since… 2002?
He kept me sane. He grounded me. He slapped me back into reality when I needed it.
If I needed someone to talk to- he was there.
If I needed a shoulder to cry on- he was there.
If I needed someone to argue with over something really stupid.. he was always there to give his two cents.
He’d drop everything he was doing to give me the few seconds that I needed.
Best friend stuff, you know?
And I’m not saying he’s NOT there anymore… just not in the next room to run to.
And yes I miss Mr. Jolie, mucho.. but that’s not the reason for this blog.
In fact, now that I don’t have to share a bathroom or a parking spot with that heifer, I think our friendship will be a bit stronger.

I would compare Mr. Jolie to the glue that held me and the other roommates together.
If I needed to complain about Billy, I could say something to D-Vicious or Mattikins.
If I wanted to complain about the latter, I’d go to Billy.
Now it’s just me, and 4-year? couple, D-Vicious and Mattikins in the house.
(Why are I using these names?!)
And they’re practically married. Together 23 hours a day, 7 days a week.
They have everything in common.
I MAY like one or two of the same songs they do.
I MAY share their love for vodka.
But that’s it.
Like, I feel I need to organize a Roommate Fun Day or something.
With that background story.. (Billy moving out and the disconnect with my 2 current roommates) here’s the blog:

Lately, Jon’s had some trouble with the boys.
Take Shitty Rick, for example. I haven’t really been.. "dogged?" like that in a hot minute.
Whatever; I lived, I learned, thanks for the lesson.
Or I’d go to a club, meet a hottie, exchange numbers and after one time of hanging out- no call back.
Not even gonna get started with people on-line. ::rolls eyes::

So something clicked the other day in Jon's brain.
I have a friend, Ben, in Fort Lauderdale.. that’s my "go-to" guy for when I need blunt and lewd honesty. For the longest time our motto was, "let it go, take it slow."
And I’ve been thinking about it.. and I canNOT live by that motto. As seen with this blog, I cannot "let things go." If you piss me off, you’ve burnt that bridge.
And there’s no, "taking it slow" in the Gay World.
There’s only, "missed opportunities to a nasty, dusk donkey skank that was quicker than you to spread his booty cheeks to an even bigger whore of a guy." I’m always 2 steps behind.
(No bitterness, I swear.)
It’s all about agendas and the "me first before anyone" attitudes. I still want to say I have something that sets me apart from everyone else; but I’m losing my compassion.
So instead of "taking it slow" I’m just "not going to at all."
I may miss out on life with someone else, but it’s going to help me develop a mold; an outline or a foundation- for myself.
Sunday, I went to the movies. I went to see one that none of my friends wanted to see, alone. I was waiting for a call back and some light went on in my head.
Go see the movie, Jon. Be more like Adalia.

Adalia was a free-spirited chick I met like 6 years ago?
She was someone that did things. (I was going to say "her way" after that, but I refrained.) She actually DID things.
Things that you would normally do with someone else. She didn’t wait to MAKE the plans. She did them. She’s so active, I can’t be sure WHERE she is right now. (We keep up with each other on MySpace.)

I can offer one story: she was the eccentric girl at work. She had beliefs that she felt strong about but never once tried to force them on someone else. I admired her for it. Through the course of our friendship, I found out that she did what I thought was weird at the time- sleeping on the beach. Waking up to the early morning sounds of waves crashing on the shore. I’m talking, towel, blanket- ON THE BEACH. It was weird, until she invited me. It was pretty cool. It was like going on a long, reflective walk in the woods. Or going mountain climbing by yourself. You get the idea?

What was the thing that clicked in my head?
(I swear this isn’t one of those "boo-hoo, I’m single, let me write about it" blogs!)
I sat there watching the Spiderwick Chronicles and I thought, "this is how it’s going to be, Jon. Start doing things by yourself. Start making reservations for ONE. Start sitting at the bar instead of the booth. Start the plan before anyone can DELAY the plan. And ENJOY things alone."

The "thing" that I realized.. was.. I think I’ve come to terms with not having a +1 for a while. With the fact that in the end, all I’m gonna have is me, and I better know myself and what makes me happy before I fuck it up with adding another person to the equation. Does that make sense? Eh. ::shrugs:: You hear me talk of my "straight-date" nights? Well there’s also going to be of me-myself-and-i-menage a trios night. With me, there’s not going to BE any red flags. The guy I’m seeing won’t already have a boyfriend, or a kid as baggage, or does drugs.. or is interested in other guys.

I’m honestly happy. I am happy with my relationship with my family. I’m happy with the friends I’ve made. And I want this period to last.

Feel free to email me any comments.
And yes, I’m tired and may have lost my marbles by posting this.
And no, don’t let this blog discourage the hotties from contacting me.
:-)
Corrections in the morning!

.. wasn't very good. But, I was in good company!

Sexy Nicole!
 

So every Friday we have this 15-minute-everyone-gets-off-the-phone-meeting and we go over everyone's weekly stats. I've been working at this company for 6 months now and just had like 3rd place for some honorable-mention position. But today.. I finally got the "Adjuster of the Week" trophy. Yeah- that's my prize. :-)

Being single has its perks. :-)

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world hoping
I could learn a bit about how to give and take.
But since I came here
felt the joy and the fear finding myself making every possible mistake

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

I'm a young soul
in this very strange world hoping
I could learn a bit about what is true and fake.
But why don't please trying to communicate finding just that love is not always easy to make.

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

This is a happy end cause' you don't understand everything you have done why's everything so wrong

this is a happy end
come and give me your hand I'll take your far away.

[Refrain]:
I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take but since I came here felt the joy and the fear finding myself making every possible mistake

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la....

I can't stop laughing at this!
"Pickle you, kumquat!"

This goes along with the blog below.
If me and that ex of mine were still together, we were supposed to go see the Wu Tang Concert. I text both my ex and the "associate" (because "friend" is no longer fitting) the same text: "how was the concert?"  My ex answers with "Damn baby, you're good!" and that associate answers "It was great!"

[They're] fucking douches. :-)
It makes it that much easier to let go.

I've done pretty good; I've held my composure. I haven't made a video calling the guy I used to date out on his shit. :-)  So I'm doing the next best thing- writing a blog. People asked me, "Why aren't you with what's-his-face anymore?" Here's my answer:

Well, he’s gonna say that I had trust issues.
I’m gonna say that I he was a whore-bag.

Am I justified? Key events:

1. When you call your boyfriend (1-19-08) and turn down a specific movie and he says, “Well I’ll go with one of my OTHER boyfriends.”
   Take that as a red flag.
    
2. Or when you call your boyfriend and he tells you someone licked on his ear on the dance floor.
   A) just keep that to yourself when you’re dating someone.
   B) what are you doing to allow someone to think it’s even OKAY for that to happen?
   C) and why do YOU think it’s okay?
    
3. When he goes out with your mom to a club and she gives a review of his behavior:
   A) that he texts someone all night long that’s not ME.
   B) That he goes around asking where a friend of mine is that I suspect him cheating on me with?
    
4. When a friend of mine mails me and says that MY boyfriend was all over his ex in the same night, while he was with my mother?
   (How did he pull THAT off?)
    
5. And then when I go and watch said movie, he gets shady text messages? We have the same fucking phone! I could read your screen? And when I make a gesture that I can see it, you exit out quickly?

And when all the above happens in the same 24 hour period?
Whatever.
So that was this past Sunday, January 20th.
And I’m reading his shady bulletins about already having another “crush.”

But I have trust issues?

Yeah, I pulled my hand away when your 6 year old child walked into the room.
I never dated a guy with a kid.
I was ready to deal with your baggage.
But not you being a whore-bag.

This blog is motivated by about 3 or 4 of my friends coming up on or just celebrating their 28th birthdays. Most of my friends sorta? believe in astrology so let me give you a brief Astrology 101 and the what the Saturn Return is. And in no way do I understand what I'm about to say.

From the light reading that I've done, I've gathered that astrologers believe the way the stars are positioned in the sky relative to the time and location of your birth, is very important and defines certain personality traits. They use a device? called a Birth or Natal Chart to document where each planet is in the sky. (You can get a free one online, here. And this link will help you understand it. "Astrology Lessons")

Once every year the Sun returns to its position on your chart- on your birthday. Your "Sun Sign" is your zodiac sign. Astrologers traditionally use 7 planets.. usually the ones that can be seen with the naked eye. Saturn is the last planet to be seen and its return to its original position on your birth chart usually happens between your 28th to 30th birthdays.

Saturn's Return, or "The Return of Saturn" or the cliché: your "mid-life crisis," is all the same thing. From Wikipedia: Astrologically Saturn is associated with the principles of limitation, restrictions, boundaries, practicality and reality, crystallizing and structures. Saturn governs ambition, career, authority and hierarchy, and conforming social structures. It concerns a person's sense of duty, discipline and responsibility, and their physical and emotional endurance during hardships. Saturn is also considered to represent the part of a person concerned with long-term planning.

The first coming of Saturn is said to be your "coming of age." With it there's a sense of urgency and goals come into focus. It can be a time of achievement or rewards. It marks major adjustments in attitudes, lifestyles and relationships. The second coming of Saturn is said to be the "coming of wisdom."

So basically, something big happens to you in this time period. It's either going to be really hard on you, cutting away the nonsense and stuff that's holding you down, or it's a prosperous time that results from your labors.

Now for my personalization, is it weird that Capricorn is influenced by Saturn? Is it weird that I chose to get Saturn tattooed on my side (before I knew of "Saturn's Return?") Is it also weird that my Golden Birthday will be when I turn 28th? I'm a little freaked out. I'm a little excited for what's in store in 3 years. I'm also a little scared.